Angel Girl

On Monday, July 6 at 10 p.m. we had our Angel girl. We had found out that morning in our 20 week ultrasound that her heart had stopped beating. I decided to do the labor instead of the d&c because I wanted to see her. I think it was harder for Ben to see, but I needed it and he was sweet to let me. I needed to see that she was really gone and that I really had been pregnant. I didn't just want to forget about it, I wanted to get through it and have closure. I also didn't know the gender until after the delivery.

I opted to not have an epidural, because I didn't think labor would be quite as intense and I have a weird appreciation for feeling contractions and going through the labor process. I like to know the progress of each contraction as it gets stronger. The ultrasound had been at 8:45 a.m.. We went to the hospital at 1:30 p.m. My induction finally happened at 3:30 and contractions started around 5:00. They got more intense by 8:00, but I had a feeling that they wouldn't get much worse. Those hours look long, but they didn't feel long to me. I was expecting it would take awhile. When the baby finally came, I didn't have much warning. There was no pushing whatsoever. My contractions just kind of pushed her out for me. Ben had actually just left to go get a drink. He got in the elevator and I told him to come back.

The baby was still in the sac when she came out. The nurse was happy about that because she said it might help us see what the issue had been. But the cord was not wrapped around the body. They couldn't see any reason on the outside of why it happened.

I could see that the baby had passed for at least a week because the body looked much more fragile. I decided not to risk holding her, but I was able to see and feel what I needed. There was no spirit there. Just a body. But it was a body that had been growing inside of me, that I had seen move and heard the heart beat. It's not fair to be termed a miscarriage, even a late miscarriage. She won't be something I forget and get over. She is a baby I carried.

I'm so grateful to have the privilege to bare children. My heart broke a little this past week, but I know I will get a chance to experience the joy I would have had in the future. I have felt strength from the Lord, the atonement, and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf. I'm so grateful for the words from our leaders that help me see the purpose of trial, the healing that comes from gratitude and faith in the Lord. I'm still working on the grief and hope, but my faith has increased and I have felt comfort from the atonement. I know time will help.

I decided not to take a picture of her. She was whole, and looked like a small baby, but not what you might expect. So, I have her picture in my memory and I will cherish it.
The only picture I really have, is this picture I took for Ben while I was in Utah. I was 19 weeks.